the future

somehow i don't remember thinking much about the future at age nine. a friend recently asked me if i had ideas of what i wanted my wedding to be like when i was a little girl. nope. nor do i remember having ideas about what i wanted my partner, house, or life in general to be like.

the only future i remember thinking about was going to college. that's it. life beyond that - well that seemed too far to think.

i do remember my first day of third grade. sitting in my desk in the front row. i was at a new school, in an actual school buidling. our tiny christian church school had merged with maranatha academy. even the name sounded fancy. i sat there in my desk and thought: "wow, third grade, i'm really growing up."

and perhaps in someways i was already becoming an adult in third grade, i was certainly already taking on many responsibilities that in retrospect seem awfully adult-like for a nine year old. and while i don't like to think that my mind was so focused on survival that i didn't have time to dream about the future - i think that may have been the case.

and maybe survival is a strong word. kids do a much better job of living in the present moment than adults. so whatever the reason, it seems that my life in that present moment was all i could think about. and looking back now as i am truly becoming an adult - i'm glad.

it's kind of scary to venture into these new realms of existence. to think about how i want to live this long stretch of my life called adulthood. but i'm glad it's not all decided for me. that i didn't pre-plan it from my nine year old perspective on the world. my lack of planning just means that now as it was then i have to live in the present moment, deciding what to do now.

-kmj