the middle

straddling the middle
always feeling in and out
who is it i am trying to be
who is it i am
being true to what
to self unknown
but known

my identity
my self
raised in a world i thought was one thing
but turned out to be another
tell your children their poor
i tell my friend
its not the being poor that hurts
its the not knowing

we're middle class but poor, right?
isn't that who we are
we were always blue collar my mother says
but how?

i have grown up straddling two worlds
i have known privilege
white skin
blond hair
a last name i never have to spell or pronounce

and perhaps it is this privilege
that landed me in this place
this middle ground of the middle class
a suburban landscape
not meant for the sweat of back breaking laborers
not planned for the lives of children with one parent

a working class girl in a middle class culture
so thick it chokes me
so invisible i can't determine if it's real at all
perhaps i am just like them
and it's just a personal failing
the awkwardness of teenage life
expands and enlarges as my disadvantage shows
my clothes, my hair, never quite right
reveal our lack

but now in my life
the life i have made on my own
chose for myself
they read me as middle class
suburban girl
their college preparatory public high school
left its mark

my dream of college came true
but only after a year taken off
to battle the forms and dare myself to take the ACT
i have learned their language
their games
their rules
and now where

where do i belong
what do i want to become